i am alive

everything seems to be going wrong... but its ok...i am kinda surprised actually...

EVERYTHING is going wrong... but i am ok....

it doesn't make sense, i don't know how to explain it...

i am going to church tomorrow...(YEAH...surprise there)

i am letting go...

you can kinda see my mowhawk

the first was at the emery show...

i have an amazing boyfriend... i have like him for a LOOOOONG time... and things finally worked out... it really surprised me actually...

i maybe getting married this summer...

he says he loves me... i think he means it...

i love my friends...Ben... knows exactly what i am going through...and is going through it worse than me....

i am going through withdraws and it sucks...

i got busted... having a cat in my room...

i am super tired... i haven't slept in a while...

i made a dress today...

my boyfriend is amazing.... he has a son...

i am getting a real family...

my mom hates him...

my family won't accept him because of his skin color...

i am trying to quit drugs... and drinking... so i can be a good mama...

i actually love him...

and i love his son...

he can really break my heart if he's not careful (shatter)

i made an ADORABLE dress today...out of a tank top... and a sheet...

Ben kissed me again...(one of my gays)

i still haven't kissed my boyfriend...

we are really taking things slow....i am going to kiss him on sunday...

i think i am going to let my heart heal from teen mania...

i am finally getting happy... for real...

withdraws SUCK...

i just wanna keep food down...

i just want to stop twitching...

i want my head to STOP hurting...

i am going to TRY and sleep

this is my tattoo

its me...

something created to be beautiful, and to shine to bright...

yet falls to a firey death through out the sky...

and everyone sits by saying its beautiful...

make a wish...

as i burn to death...

litterally... thats what i was thinking when i got it...

lately

i have turned in to an acoholic druggie... not quite...but close...

my life has taken a turn for the worse...

my grandfather died a few weeks ago... and my friends are there they love me, and they care about me... but my old friends... are few and far between...

i thought i would update...

i am in college... some how...still here

i drink a lot... i go to the club... a lot...

i can't go to church... i doesn't feel right...

i am agnostic...

i need help... and am kinda getting it...

i ran away for a while... left went away...somewhere far away... no one knew where i was... no one REALLY missed me...

this isn't some emo blog, saying woe is me... but more of... this is life... i don't want your sympathy...

i have a tattoo...

i have hardcore thought about suicide... and i can't do it.

i can't stay in relationships...

most of my friends are gay.

i have a stalker...

i have a mowhawk...kinda...

i bit my lip when i don't know what to say...

i wish he still loved me...

its true you never know what you've got till its gone...

i am late for french... i'll update more extensively tomorrow

Who am I?

Who am I, and what is going on? I went out with my brother and we talked for over 2 hours, and it was good...it was great actually... I forgot that he really cared about me, and that he loves me. I mean... someone who loves me, despite everything that i have done to wrong him.someone who really loves me and cares about me and doesn't want anything out of a relationship... yes... he is my real brother...no...we never really talk...it was good...

I have been stressed out lately...

my brother talked to me about the way i dress and act, and what i really want out of life and if I am leading a life that would bring the results i long for... and the answer is no. I drink...I smoke... I attract people who do the same. I do foolish things when i drink...and i am around people who do the same... so this is what i am going to do... I am taking a break from drinking... and a break from the bars... this means... taking a break from the band because we play in bars...but its what needs to be done, until i can learn to control my drinking... and control the way that i act.

I have done drugs in the past couple of months...and i am around people who do the same...only they do it more constantly...and i am withdrawing from that crowd... from those people....i can't do that anymore...its not who i am... and its getting to the point where i could very easily spend the rest of my life going from high to high.

I spent 4 hours at waffle house last night with 2 amazing people... Ashley and this guy Tommy. Tommy and I talked... alot... about God and life.. and he is an amazing guy who really loves the Lord, and people around him... we talked about relationships... and life... and what to do in general about it... he gave me a card with his number... and i want to call, and talk more... but i am afraid to you know... I don't want him think that I am romaticly pursueing him... i kinda just want to be friends...

speaking of that... Joe and I are over... not sure if i mentioned that... but he is married... kinda a deal breaker...

ARG

things hurt... people fight...

MAN i hate fighting...

ARG...

thats all i have to say...

and Jesse... tell me when to call you doll face